This is a very difficult blog for me. Nevertheless, I feel directed to share my story with you.
Four Tuesdays ago, I was called into my pastoral staff member’s office and was told that my husband had filed for divorce two months prior to the date. It hurt. I was crushed. More so because he had filed without my knowledge. At that moment, I felt like I had just been hit by a freight train.
As the day unfolded, the nightmare unraveled even more. That very same afternoon I found out he had placed a restraining order against me. He had me evicted from our home in conjunction with the restraining order. I had to leave immediately, taking only what I could pack. When I went to put gas into my car, I discovered he had withdrawn all our monies from our accounts. An engulfing fear of the unknown blanketed me, where was I to go and what was I going to do for money? I felt like I was living a nightmare, one from which I wanted so badly to awaken. I scrambled to gain any kind of footing.
The finger-pointing in a failing marriage is ugly. It seems once we leave our marriage unattended by the Power of Christ, Satan is quick to enter and his mission is to destroy. Once Satan is allowed to enter, is not confronted and made to leave, the destruction begins and he works to kill.
And this is where our marriage was.
It has to be a unified battle to save a marriage. I found myself questioning everything about my marriage. I felt abandoned and lonely, overcome with so many emotions. I just wanted to hear him say “I did not mean it I am sorry!” But those words never came.
The rejection I felt ripped at my heart.
I cried because the vows we took were broken. He spoke and said, “for better or worse!” Where was the commitment?
The lack of romance and intimacy had left our marriage the preceding four years. I believe my husband mentally abandoned our marriage two years prior to the acknowledgement of his filing. Their was no compromise on his part in any way. I begged God to show me other ways to love him even if it meant no intimacy, but I started to go downhill fast because nothing was returned.
A failing marriage is very pitiable. I wish I could say that I was faultless in everything, but I cannot. There was a lot of baggage on both of our parts that needed to be settled prior to joining in marriage. But, it did not happen. It was an ongoing run-away train at this point. Nothing we did seemed to slow it down. I saw things in our marriage that were excessively unhealthy and could not be allowed to continue in the manner it was headed.
N0t until something happened, turning the tide (I choose to believe it was God that intervened).
What I discovered was extremely painful, but it made me realize that either I had to do something for myself or I was going to lose my marriage. I started going to christian counseling in May to unpack my worn luggage and seek a solution. But what I expected to change in a few months, I now realize required a long-term, united commitment on both our parts to work. At this point, he was extremely bitter, angry and unwilling to bend to any guidance by leadership, or otherwise; and so ended our marriage.
Looking back, I always felt it was something I did or did not do that caused our lack of intimacy, but I did not comprehend it this was his choosing. I did not realize he didn’t love me, and when he admitted it to me . . . I was crushed.
But God in his love knew what was happening here; I know that God does not approve of divorce, but the ongoing damage had to be stopped. I did not want to leave my marriage, God removed me. When he did, I left my home evicted but walked right into the hands of a loving, accepting God. I serve an amazing God. HE already had everything set up for me as I stepped out. I submit everything inside me into his love and care. The tears still flow because our “vow” was broken.
Moving forward is never easy.
I could choose to stay in this insanity or go forward in Christ and give him my hurts, hate, bitterness, and so much more. I desire healing and honesty.
My Sister Dee sent me a necklace with the inscription, Jer 29:11: “For I know that plans I have for you (Erme), to prosper you (Erme), to give you (Erme) hope and a future.” This necklace is my constant reminder of whose I am. I am a marked woman for God!!
This is what I choose and for a soon to be ex-spouse: I leave him in the hands of God. I wish him no harm, nor do him any harm, nor treat him unjustly. I pray that his heart will open up to God allowing God’s healing to take place in his heart.
I have witnessed many ex-wives, who were wronged, fail to move forward. They continue to treat their ex with hate and treat them horribly. I will not allow this to be a part of my life. “I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me.”
Now, I will walk this life with Christ in great EXPECTATIONS!!