A letter to my husband:
Rich, growing up was not a very enriching experience for me. I always felt like there was so much inside me, but I believed they were crazy thoughts. Thoughts like, “why am I the person I am?” and, “what would happen if I were not here on this earth?” Now, coming to realize that they were normal questions, makes me sad. Questions I had about sex, I had no one to talk to about them, so I went to my girlfriends and we made up our own conclusions about it.
I was scared most of the time growing up because I had no answers to any of these questions on life. I always felt empty inside. I did not know who I was. I would dare to say that this is the reason I grew up and lived my life the way I did. Even when I first married, I did not know why I married Denny. No one told me how life was going to be nor what was expected of me in my marriage. I destroyed this marriage for lack of knowledge; due to my interpretation of life And every relationship thereafter I destroyed.
I continued on with this lifestyle even though I felt so confused. I presented a pretty picture, but inside I was a mess. I knew the words to start a relationship, but I did not know that commitment meant being transparent. I did not know how to do that. I did not know how to share my life with anyone. I did not know what a budget was or what one looked like. I did not know that loving someone meant for better or for worse.
About two years ago, God started a work in me that has blown my mind. I don’t know why he did . . . but he did. I have come to realize that God uses ordinary people for his great work. I am so overwhelmed when I consider how God uses a woman like me for anything. But you know, when he chooses someone he invests time and love into them because he is the word love. He walks in love because he is love. I know that God brought you into my life for a purpose. When I told you, when we first met, that God wanted us together little did I realize I was speaking truth.
I could not understand you at first so I reverted to what I knew as truth. I only knew that when you hurt, you hurt back. I only knew how to lie, cheat and manipulate. So I used it in force within our marriage. But when I did use them, God saw through them and he gave you the insight to see through them too. I would use this trick, that trick, and the next, but God shot down every one of them. Finally, I was exhausted and hurting and sensed life crumbling around me faster than I could use my bag of tricks.
There were certain key people in my life during this time, that God brought for his purpose, to begin a change. Most of them were and are your friends and family. People who actually challenged me, the got-in-my face kind of challenge. I saw a reality in them that I could not understand. I wanted to understand them but because I could not, I tore them down before you. Because I felt like, “you hurt me so I will hurt you.” And, because I didn’t understand them, they frustrated me with their kind of reality. And, because of them and the one family member that was a relentless rock of love in my life, who at the time I was not aware of, my sister Dee, I desired to change. I told God I would do the journey with him. Little did I realize that it was going to be an atomic bomb on my life!
This is where life began for Ermelinda Evans.
It was small, tiny steps because I was not sure of letting go of what I knew as my “life” at that time. But I now see that God was so consistent and persistent in my life. God’s love is what loved the change into me. I saw the purpose in my life for the first time. I understood I was not an accident, but that I was on purpose. No one can do what I was sent here on this earth to do. I have a purpose. I realize that God made me from his flesh and that I am the material of “LOVE.’ The very thing that I ran from all my life is what I need to have lived in front of me to change. God knew this and when I gave him the “go” he did just that.
This is what I see in you, my Husband. I see a man who is a “cracked pot” just like me because of the wars we have been through. But what I see in your cracked pot is Jesus’ light shining through. I could not see this through anyone else’s cracked pot, it had to be yours. What I saw and see is your love for me. Sometimes I see your cracked pot has tears of water running down from inside. When those tears are flowing, God tells me whether they are mine or not. He tells me sometimes those tears are between you and him. Your love, because of Christ, is creating a change in me. You are just as ordinary as I am but our God is what makes you an ocean of his love for me. I don’t understand everything that is inside you, but I do believe that God made you that way because our love is a journey. The best of our journey is yet to come!
You reduce me to ashes when you come back and ask, “what is wrong?” When I meant to wound you with my self-appointed sword. Now, I must find a place to be alone as I am weeping. I cannot ever hurt you anymore. You see, when I am hurting you, I am hurting God. God once told me that when you conspire to hurt your husband, make sure to “take a look behind him — because I am standing right there.” This is a reality because your love is changing me. I never, never, never thought that God’s kind of love could walk within a man’s love for me.
“How do I handle this kind of Love?”, I ask God. He tells me, “just look and see me there.”
So, this is why I am learning to love again. God is loving me back to life again through his well placed people; who are his love for me in skin.
Your ever-changing wife I pray,